


Sentiment

by Kadorienne



Series: Silver Tongue, Golden Lasso [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 15:37:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/663657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kadorienne/pseuds/Kadorienne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki's breath hitched. “I… I am sorry I tried to kill your son.”</p><p>She smiled sadly. “Which one?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sentiment

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Anne-Li, Heather Sparrows, and Grey Bard for betaing.

The morning after Loki renounced Odin's name and his place in the succession to the throne of Asgard, he and Thor woke tangled together in Thor's bed. They cuddled for a couple of minutes before stretching lazily and rising. They exchanged few words as they washed and dressed and admitted a servant with a breakfast tray. For those first minutes of the day, it was almost as if the last few years had never happened and everything between them was normal.

But the years had happened and everything was not normal. When Loki finished eating, he glanced at the servant. "Tell Her Majesty that I would like to see her today. Ask what time and place would suit her."

The servant paused for a few seconds before replying coolly, "If Her Majesty wished to see you, she would no doubt summon you."

Loki was considering whether to conjure an illusion of snakes or of spiders to scare some respect into the churl when the clatter of Thor's stool falling over startled him out of his thoughts. The table, along with its mostly empty breakfast plates, crashed over next.

Loki sat back to enjoy watching Thor lose his temper at someone other than himself.

"What is your name?" Thor asked, his voice cold.

"Alvis, Your Highness."

Thor just glared at Alvis without speaking for a long moment, letting Alvis sweat. Loki hid his smile with the ease of long practice. Thor angry was truly a stunning sight to behold. His blue eyes just blazed and whoever they blazed at became uncomfortably aware of just how huge and powerful Thor was, just what those bulging muscles could do.

Frankly, it tended to make Loki think of things other than anger, but that was best put aside for the moment. 

At last Thor spoke, his voice tense and rumbling with reined fury. "Do you imagine that you know better than the All-Father, Alvis?"

"N-no, Your Highness." The poor fool seemed almost relieved to have a demand to reply to.

"The All-Father adopted Loki and raised him as his own son and made him a prince of Asgard." Thor took a menacing step closer, looming over the hapless servant. "Do you imagine that you know better than I, Alvis?"

"No, Your Highness!"

"I chose Prince Loki as my lover centuries ago and have never changed my mind. Now that I know that he is not my brother by birth, I still choose him as my brother. He is still a prince of Asgard and he will be treated as such. Anyone who treats him with disrespect will answer to me. Be certain every servant and guard in the palace knows this."

"Y-yes, Your Highness."

Loki took a moment to control his voice before he repeated his orders, as coolly as if nothing had happened. "Tell the queen I would like to see her today and ask what time and place would suit her."

Alvis bowed and stammered, and as soon as he was gone Loki stood and wrapped his arms around Thor, kissing him. "Thank you, brother."

Thor scowled, not looking directly at him, still angry. "There is no need to thank me for fulfilling the least of my obligations to you. Do you wish me to accompany you to see Mother?"

"Thank you, but if Mother wishes to scold me I can hardly hide behind you."

"I doubt she'll scold much. She was so relieved when I told her what you confessed in the lasso."

Loki pushed himself back and took Thor's face between his hands in a firm grip, tilting his head so that their gazes met. "Which reminds me. Thor, listen to me."

Thor schooled his face to seriousness, apprehensive. "I am listening, brother."

Loki paused for a moment. "Thor. There may be times when it is important enough that you know that I speak the truth that I will ask Hippolytesdottir to verify my words with her lasso - under very protected conditions. But." Loki let his grip on his brother's head tighten. "If you ever apply her lasso to me again by force, or allow your allies to, you had best be certain that it is worth it - because I _will_ make you regret it."

Thor held his gaze for a long moment before nodding. "I shall remember that, brother."

Alvis returned a few moments later and when Loki acknowledged him, reported that the queen was in her garden and would receive Prince Loki whenever he wished.

Loki looked at the armor he had worn the day before and shook his head. "Why didn't I bring a change of clothes? Thor, do you happen to know where my old things are, or were they burned or cast into the ocean?"

"They are in your room."

"My room?"

"When we thought you were dead, I ordered that your room be left as it was. The servants clean it and I did take a few suits of yours to Midgard, but other than that it should be as you left it."

Loki thought that over before sending Alvis to fetch a silk and leather formal suit from his room. "You might as well go find your friends and practice beating each other's brains out, I think I shall be occupied most of the day," he told Thor.

"I do not like leaving you."

Loki smiled at him. "Good."

 

Loki had to steel himself before walking into the garden. He felt as he had as a boy when he had been naughty. Possibly that was appropriate.

He stepped through the door and paused. Mother had been in the throne room for his dramatic announcement, of course, and her warm gaze upon him had been a balm, but this was the first chance they had had to speak. Now she sat in her usual favorite spot, the sun making her chestnut hair golden, her hands moving gracefully as she worked her spinning wheel. Loki must have seen her like this hundreds of thousands of times; for one second he was transported to what it had been like before. His throat closed up. He forced himself to step closer, and when she looked up at his soft footfalls, gave her the deep bow normally reserved for formal occasions.

He had scarcely straightened up before she had him wrapped in a ferocious embrace, her lily scent filling his nostrils, her silk dress soft against his hands and around his neck. 

When he could control his voice, he said simply, "Mother, I am so sorry. For all the distress I have caused you."

She brushed his hair back from his face. "I know, Loki."

"There is no way to truly make up for all I've done, I know that." His words tumbled over each other. "But I am trying and will continue to try because I must. These last few years - I thought that at least something useful might come of my dishonour. But nothing excuses me, Mother, and I know that and I am so sorry."

"You must not condemn yourself so, Loki. If you believe yourself beyond redemption you will only do more wrong. And we would be grieved to lose you again, my son. Especially do not do that to Thor; he is so happy to have you back."

Loki's breath hitched. "How can you still-" He reined himself in, lowered his eyes and then forced himself to meet her gaze again. "I... I am sorry I tried to kill your son."

She smiled sadly. "Which one?"

Loki stared at her for a few seconds before dissolving into tears. He wasn't certain how, but he ended up sitting on the ground with his head in her lap, weeping into her skirts as he hadn't since childhood, while she stroked his hair soothingly. The day he had learned what he was, he had sobbed out his heartbreak on her shoulder as the guards carried Odin to his bedchamber while she tried to reassure him. Now, he had the infinitely sharper pain of remorse wracking his body with grief.

"If there were any way I could make it up to you.... You gave me the chance I never hoped for, had Gungnir placed in my hand, and I ruined it, I behaved so foolishly, so wrongly...."

She lowered her eyes for a moment. "I should not have put such a heavy burden on you, not right after-"

"Mother!" Loki seized her hands. "Don't even think of blaming yourself. You did everything right, all along, from the day your husband dropped an infant monster in your lap and told you to raise it as if it were your own. And you _did_ and I love you so much for it. It was we who let you down, all three of us - but I most of all." He lowered his head, squeezed his eyes shut. "You gave me the chance that I never expected to have." He swallowed. "You couldn't know any more than I did that it _wasn't_ a chance."

"What do you mean?"

He lifted his head to meet her eyes again, his mouth twisted bitterly. "Do you think there was anything I could possibly have done with the throne that would have won his approval? That would have made him value me half so much as he does Thor?"

"He does love you, Loki."

"I know," Loki conceded wearily. "But not enough not to spend centuries letting me know how distant a second I was to his true son so that I would be eager to jump at his command when he put me on the throne of Jotunheim."

Her eyes filled. "Loki, I did not understand until a few years ago what his plan for you was. But please, listen to me for a moment."

He could do nothing but warily nod agreement. 

"Most of what you know of the war with Jotunheim is battle, courage and victory. You know that many Aesir and Jotnar died, and humans as well, but can you imagine what it was like?"

Loki looked away, clenching his jaw, but kept quiet.

And she began to tell him, to relate her own memories of those days. Not that he hadn't known that the war with Jotunheim was a tragedy, as every war is. Not that he hadn't known that people had grieved for the valiantly dead whose glorious ends he had heard so much of. But hearing her account of witnessing that grief personally, that was different. She told him of parents weeping over the bodies of the sons they had spent decades rearing and loving, of young girls losing their sweethearts before their love could burn its course of passion and grow warm and comfortable, of wives bereft of husbands and children bereft of fathers. 

She told him of the struggle many of the people had had without their men to work, to build and plant and harvest. For years after the war tremendous labor and magic alike had to be expended to provide for all, because so many of the strong young men who had done so much of the work were gone. Frigga had spun and woven then not because she enjoyed the meditative rhythm of it or the artistry of her creations, but to clothe her subjects. The King himself had spent hours every day alongside professional healers, using his seiðr to heal the lingering wounds of those who had survived.

Loki had always known Asgard as a prosperous realm. He had known it was not always thus, but his mother's quiet words made it all painfully real. His knuckles were white with the effort of controlling himself, but he nodded his understanding. She put a warm gentle hand on his cheek.

"We have wronged you, Loki, but can you understand that in the face of so much suffering, using you as your father did seemed to be a lesser sin?"

It was a very long time before Loki could bring himself to nod again. He did not dare to speak.

Frigga was quiet for a long moment. When at last she spoke her voice was very gentle. "You said you would like to make it up to me. If you truly wish to, then I ask that you forgive your father. For the sake of all four of us."

Loki could not remain still. He sprang to his feet and walked to the edge of the grass, facing the hedge of tall flowering shrubs, his back to his mother. He stood for a long while, his back stiff, his hands clenched.

Frigga, wisely, said nothing.

At last he turned and walked back to her side. He stood before her, his hands clasped in front of him, his back formally straight. Somberly, he told her, "From you and Thor I have received more forgiveness than I had any right to. I was wronged, but my crimes in response were far too great to be excused." He shook his head. "I cannot lie to you, Mother. I am not certain that I can forgive him." He lowered his eyes. "But because you ask it, I promise I will try. But not yet," he added. "I cannot even think of it yet. In a few years, I promise you that I will _try_."

She sighed and gestured for him to sit beside her. "I suppose that is all I can ask." He obediently took the seat and held her distaff for her as she resumed her spinning, something he had done innumerable times in the past. Thor had done it on occasion as well, but Thor could never bear to remain so still for long. "Now tell me. Are you reunited with your brother, at least?"

That brought a smile back to his lips. "Oh, yes."

"As brothers...?"

"And as lovers."

She smiled. "That is happy news. I always thought you two were good for each other."

"I love him so much, Mother."

"Then look after him on Midgard for me. I've worried about him without you and Sif and the Three to look after him."

"So have I. But his human shield-brothers are just as loyal to him - I have been watching them."

"But they are only human."

"Some of them are more." He gave her one of his old impish smiles. "Besides, I put protective spells on all of them years ago, since I couldn't watch his back myself."

She looked up from her wheel for a second to regard him, dimpling. "Does he know that?"

"Not yet. We haven't had time to catch up on everything." Holding the distaff steady, he looked around at the sunlit morning, at the flowers growing in cheerful profusion. He could almost believe things were back to normal; he was sitting by his mother in her garden, talking about Thor, who they both loved. "Also, they are far less inclined than Sif and the Three to let him lead them into folly - and he himself is far less foolish than he used to be." He pressed his lips together, the illusion of normality gone already. "All of this started because I wanted to force him to become wiser, less reckless. I succeeded in that, but...." He waved a hand, helpless.

Frigga let her thread fall, caught his hand and clasped it. "I have never seen anyone, of any realm, learn anything of importance without far too high a price being paid for the lesson." Looking at him, she added quietly, "I hope you have learned as well."

He gave her a rueful smile. "I have learned that when I want to prove to someone that I love them, extravagant gestures like destroying enemy realms are a bad idea. Best to stick with simpler things. Which reminds me, I have a gift from Midgard for you, Mother. Just a trifle, but given what tends to happen when I try to bestow grand gifts...."

She smiled, indulgent. "Then give me this trifle."

He handed it over, wrapped in a piece of apple-green silk. When she pulled the silk off, he explained, "It's a Midgardian distaff, from the nation of Russia. They make their distaffs differently - you see the oar-like shape of it - and even the peasants decorate them beautifully. I don't know if it will be more difficult to use, but I thought it was pretty."

"It is very pretty." She held it up, turning it so that the green background and the painted tree laden with yellow blossoms caught the sunlight.

"Perhaps not a suitable gift for a queen-"

She put a finger to his lips. "But a perfect one for a mother, Loki."

 

Thor had hoped that Loki's homecoming would be a happier occasion than this. He had not been surprised at the almost predatory curiosity he encountered on the training grounds. At least his four dearest friends were the only ones who dared to ask him anything.

"Do you really believe him, Thor?" Sif demanded when she managed to pull him aside. "After everything he has done, beginning with trying to steal your throne-"

"He stole nothing," Thor pointed out impatiently, "he was next in the line of succession, with me in exile - for nearly getting the six of us killed, I might remind you."

"You would never have been exiled had he not-"

"Sif." Fandral put a restraining hand on her arm, then looked to Thor. "What we mean to say, Thor, is... our loyalties are with you. Always. Should you need them."

Thor surveyed them all. "And if Loki does not betray me as you all so clearly expect, and I keep him by my side and call him brother? Will I still have your loyalty then?"

Volstagg began the round of reassurances, and the other three joined in, and Thor smiled and clapped their shoulders and cajoled them back onto the field, while a tiny corner of his heart grieved that his dearest friends could not love the one he loved the most. That they could not share his joy.

Later that day Thor's father increased his distress. Odin wished to alter the enchantment upon Mjölnir so that supervillainy in a good cause fell outside its mandate. 

"Father, do you not see what it meant to him to be able to lift it? It made him feel that he finally had a bit of what he has always wanted the most - your regard."

"I can hardly reward his crimes thus."

The ensuing argument went on for hours. Odin insisted that changing the enchantment was the only way to prevent Loki from further misdeeds. Thor pleaded that changing it would destroy any chances of reconciliation between Odin and his adopted son, and that alienation would be the worst thing for Loki's continued good behavior, let alone for mending his heart and his sanity. Neither could make the other yield, voices were raised and old quarrels dusted off, until Frigga found them still at it late in the afternoon. Once she grasped what their row was about she summarily dismissed Thor with an order to stay away from Loki's chambers unless invited there and shut herself up with her husband for the next several hours.

The king and queen did not appear in the dining hall until late. When they did, Odin grudgingly informed Thor that he would leave Mjölnir as it was - for the time being. From the set of Frigga's mouth, Thor felt confident that "the time being" would work out to "a very long time indeed". 

Loki did not appear in the dining hall at all. Thor ordered that a well-laden tray be taken to his own chambers, where he himself then waited restlessly. He was on the verge of going to Loki's room despite their mother's admonition when Loki at last appeared, unsmiling and even paler than usual.

Thor was determined that he would be a better brother in such small matters than he had before. Without speaking he went and took Loki in his arms and held him, stroking his long dark hair.

When Loki at last gave a sigh and relaxed against him, Thor said, "I can see how tired you are, brother. Have some dinner and come to bed. We don't need to talk now."

Loki nodded silently and ate a little before falling into bed. Thor stretched out beside him and Loki used his shoulder as a pillow as he had so often in the past. Thor fell asleep with one arm wrapped around his brother protectively, possessively.

A little after midnight Thor awakened to find Loki sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to Thor, shivering. Thor sat up at once. "Loki, what is it?"

Loki's spine stiffened. "I should have warned you," he said after a moment. "I have nightmares a lot, ever since Jotunheim. I'm afraid it will disturb your sleep, if you prefer I can go to my own-"

"You will stay right here. As your elder brother and future king I forbid you from saying such nonsense ever again." Not that Thor imagined that Loki was going to take any orders from him unless it suited him, ever. The point was to emphasize how little interest he had in sleeping alone, nightmares or not. "Is that what you were dreaming about? Jotunheim?"

"Not this time."

"What, then?" 

"I don't wish to speak of it."

There was nothing Thor could say to that. He put his arms around Loki without trying to find words.

"I don't deserve you." Loki's voice was dull, resigned.

Thor thought then that he knew what Loki had been dreaming of. Not of the things that had been done to him, but the things he had done.

"What about what I deserve? Don't you think I deserve to have what I want?"

Loki managed a tiny laugh. "You fool." They were silent for a few moments. At length Loki said, "Thor, we won't be able to resume what we had just like that. This is going to be difficult, I warn you."

"I don't want easy, I want you."

Loki gave a little laugh. "Thank the Norns for that. Thor, I'll try, I swear it, but-"

Thor moved back and put one hand on the side of Loki's neck, forcing his brother to meet his gaze. "You let me decide that, brother. Loki, when you - the Bifrost. When you let go." Loki shivered and Thor tightened his grip. "You assumed I could not forgive you for what you had done. You believed I could not still love you when I found out you were a Jotun. But you didn't give me a chance. The whole year I thought you were dead, I so wished that you had. When Father told me, I understood - some - why you had done the things you did. Would you have done any of them if you hadn't thought that I would stop loving you?"

"No." His answer was immediate and held no doubt.

"You didn't give me a chance. And I wouldn't have, Loki. Never. I kept wishing there was some way I could have another chance with you, to prove that I was loyal to you, that I would never stop loving you for something you couldn't control. I didn't stop loving you for things you could! For things you did! If I had known of any black magic that could have brought you back I would have used it. Anything to have another chance."

A frown had creased Loki's brow as Thor spoke. "No wonder you tried so hard when I came back from the dead."

"Yes. I had what I believed I never would: a second chance with you."

Loki closed his eyes, then opened them, wound his arms around Thor's neck. "You have more than a chance, my love. You have me."

"Good. Because you belong to me, belong with me, and I am not giving you up. Now," he kissed Loki on the forehead, "go back to sleep."

Loki managed a little smile, leaning against him. "Yes, big brother." And they spent the rest of the night twined together in peaceful, uninterrupted sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Type "Russian distaff" into google images; you'll find some seriously beautiful examples of folk art.


End file.
